Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
