She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
