No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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