FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
as a side note pls kill me
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
