My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
