The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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