i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
