If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
