my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
