what day is it and did you see me today?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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