Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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