I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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