the only muscles i have these days is kegels
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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