I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
