Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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