i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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