I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
