I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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