Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
