Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
