Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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