I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
