Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
