how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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