I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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