I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
