So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
