there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
