I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
