This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
