Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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