It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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