Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There are leaves in my underwear?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
