My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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