I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
