my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
