barbara walters just said penis...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
