I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
