You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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