i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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