the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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