I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
