i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
