her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
