Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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