Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
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But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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