literally had 100 drinks last night.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
