Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
