Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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