My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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