Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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