Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
