it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
