In the future we'll all be gay
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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