1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
