my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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