Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
